All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
