just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize