people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
