Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
