If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
