god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
