so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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