ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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