the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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