i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
