My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
