Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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