Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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