i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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