It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
