so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize