I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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