Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
