Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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