Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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