hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
