I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
