Can Purell be used as lube?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Randomize
