i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize