ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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