Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
