Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
