Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
