those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
