Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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