Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize