I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize