I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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