official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
