Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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