my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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