i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No I am not eating basil off your cock
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
