did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
