you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
