legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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