im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize