If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Randomize
