I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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