You can't special order awesome
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
