this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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