my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
