i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
