got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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