I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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