My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
