The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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