Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
