I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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