Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
