My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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