I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
