Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
